a few thoughts

been a weird few weeks. makes me wish i smoked. maybe then i could relieve anxiety.

dont know why im so anxious. i think i need another island. i've been drifting... instead of islands, all i find are other drifters. i just want to stop treading water for a little while. take a breather.

at night, i stare out into the darkness until i see light. imaginary or real, i dont care. i just keep on staring until it grows in my eye. i keep staring til it consumes me. then i wake in a sweat and out of breath.


everything i want to do, i dont do. the things i keep fighting off are the very things i am drawn to. and im so weary of not knowing who i am anymore.

and so i turn to the imaginary fixes and i keep pretending i am O.K. but im not...
i dont think i ever will be.

sometimes i am so ungrateful.

"snowy boston" [and other places]

Messiah:

Hershey:

PA Country:

Massmannock Lake:

The Boy:

Tulip

I have been in a "tulip mood" lately. I'm not entirely sure why this is. Normally, this mood comes around the time of year as is normal- February! However, all week I've been thinking about tulips. Then my friend Ali sent me her pictures from Seattle. Lo and behold [I hope you see where this is going] included were pictures of tulips in the market! I am still in a "tulip mood" and I will share this lively happiness with all of you! I hope you enjoy Ali's photography and have a fabulous week. I'm off to snowy Boston for Spring Break...

in the dark, i am scared

I have a friend. Her name is Annely. I like to call her other things like Pumpkin-Head and Andalucia. Anyhow, my Estonian friend is getting married in less than 20 days [dont remember the actual count- sorry, dear]. On her blog this evening, she ended with:

And may all your dreams become true! (Only the good ones, of course!)

And I started thinking about dreams. How much control do we have over our dreams? Do our dreams that come during our sleep affect our life-goal-type dreams? How much do people in our lives affect our dreams? ... what is a dream?

I have quite disturbing dreams. And I find that when I talk about them, I have an easier time going to sleep at night. Its hard to go to bed- not knowing what images will come to haunt your sleep. I study a lot of depressing things [I mean, come on, I'm a student of history!] and I think these readings and videos affect my subconscious thoughts much more than I had anticipated. But how can this be helped? Its my field of interest- one of the few topics I actually LIKE to dive into- but I dont want to be afraid of the dark and the sleep and the dreams.

So, Annely, thank you for your well-wishes. Im glad you arent wishing my bad dreams on me as well as my good ones. Love you.

ps: trees are cool

lexicography and me

Today I defined myself in one word:
Jaded.

Then Ed said he would include more words to create a fuller definition:
Claire: An enchanted but jaded princess protected by "The Six".

Thats the second time in three months that I have been defined like a word in the dictionary.


Not sure if that scares me or thrills me.

saturday

i have a headache and a long bus ride to look forward to as i approach the even longer day of orientation ahead of me



but i also have a breadmaker

and that makes me smile