odd tho'ts

i've been feeling strange lately. not homesick nor sad about where i am. i guess i am just getting anxious and unsettled. i've been realizing that i have been here [CLEMSON] a year and that i am going to be here for another year and a half before i move on somewhere else. i dont know what it is in me that has this urge to keep moving and changing and developing.

i hate it. change. but do i? do i say that cause everyone else does? its so freeing- a chance to start new and fresh and to develop into some new creature.

but- what i dont understand is the pain. am i a pain junkie? not in a cutter style- but in a self-sacrificing "life is so hard" style. i dont think so. i hate inconveniencing people. so what is it? why can i not be happy in one place for a long period of time?

the thing is- i KNOW i will miss these days at clemson- having my friends over for dinner, for movies, for sports games, for beer pong. i'll miss sliding down the dam, taking the CAT bus around campus, pinching quarters to buy a coffee to get me through the day, tailgating at 8 in the morning for a 7 PM football game, staying up until 2 AM talking with my roommates--only to get up four hours later for muldrow study hour! i miss it now, just writing about it.

then why do i miss scotland so much? why do i want to return now? why do i want to figure out my grad school plans so that i can dream in that direction? God is bound to change them anyhow.

why am i questioning my life- i should be studying for my african geography quiz.