50 Posts: The Hardest Experience

August turns 6 months old tomorrow. Everyone tells you: "Enjoy every moment because before you know it, he'll be headed off to college." This reminder hasn't really been necessary as the first six months of August's life have been the most difficult experience I've had to walk through. I don't mean the newborn stage has been difficult (which it has in the normal sense) but that we've also walked through quite a trial as a family. I've been all too aware of time's passing.

I was home with August for 10 weeks. I cried almost daily thinking about leaving him to go back to work. Brandon and I both wanted me to be home, but Brandon felt some pause. He wanted me to return for a month or so. We enlisted my mom's help until we could sort our plan. I returned to work part-time, August had special Lulah-time, and Brandon kept working. Two weeks in, Brandon was laid off. I was devastated. I knew I was supposed to be home and suddenly, we didn't even know if we'd have a home. And so, I sort of sunk into a semi-depressed, crying-out-to-God state. I started working full-time and August had lots of Daddy-time. We all just held on and waited. I cherished my evenings with August. (I actually enjoyed getting up for night feeds.) I had nothing to offer anyone; I was drained and aching. I folded inward, prayed, watched August grow and waited.

Brandon was home with August for 10 weeks. We packed the car and drove to Orlando for the Loy/ Pyne family vacation. We knew we needed to be with family and were excited to have a mental break from Charleston. We arrived at our hotel and were in the lobby waiting for our room to be ready. Brandon's phone rang. He handed me August and walked away. I immediately thought, "I wonder if it's a job offer!" but then told myself to be reasonable. August and I watched the indoor fountain and bubbling stream. I kept looking at Brandon across the room. He was smiling but he'd be smiling talking to his brother or mom or whoever. Then, he gave me a thumbs up. Of course, I started crying. I hugged August hard, breathed out and said, "I am coming home, buddy."

We overlapped working for a few weeks to transition into Brandon's job and out of mine. He is still finding his feet at the new place and adjusting to a laid back environment in which they cater casual work parties, pass out beer at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon, and pay for weekly massages for all employees. October 4th was my last day in the office working for The Writer's Muse. I am really leaving the project at a great time for me mentally: two of the products are launched and two are ready and waiting for the marketing to coincide with the launch. Leaving was bittersweet as I will miss the project and my co-workers. But coming home is incredible.

My friend, Emily, who has been my main source of encouragement over the past six months, recently posted a quote by G.K. Chesterton on motherhood:

"How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute."

I have come home to be "everything to someone," and I am overwhelmed with gratitude that this is my calling. Brandon and I both have a drastically different view of our priorities that has been cemented in our hearts. More change is afoot for our little family...


[This post is a part of 50 Posts series in which I blog about 50 various subjects from 9.20.13 to 9.20.14. Inspired by and adapted from] Fat Mum Slim.