math or history?

Hold fast to dreams,
for if dreams die,
life is a broken-winged bird
that cannot fly.

I have had these words from Langston Hughes taped to my laptop for some time now. Rather than being utterly inspired, I find myself despondent. What happened to my dreams? Am I selling out by trying a career that I have never envisioned myself in? Am I losing sight of all that I am if I turn towards this job, this degree, this life? Or is this what I was supposed to find all along and somehow got distracted along the way? How does one stay true to oneself while trying new things? Is it fear that holds me back? Or is it the sense that I will be giving up on my dreams?

For years I have been gearing my studies and jobs towards history and preservation work. And I have loved it [even when I felt completely lost surrounded by architecture grad students in HP 410]. But, after working at JJs and meeting with Ray and discussing goals with my husband, the pathways have turned. I find myself looking into MBA programs, searching out marketing and sales jobs, wondering how I would look in business suits. But I am not EXCITED about the idea, I am excited about the prowess, the success, the money [honestly], and the idea that one day, we could own our own place.

It is nothing compared to a different type of excitement. The one I feel towards my passions. I am thrilled and intrigued when I find historian jobs and preservation internships and project director jobs that I could one day [not now, not enough experience or schooling to be a project manager] apply for. I am more intrigued by teaching high school history than I am selling math textbooks. And so, why am I doing this? Is it to prove myself? Is it cause Dad has always said I would be good at sales and business? Is it to a step to get out of Clemson? Is it a step towards business school? Is it just a way to get back to Charleston?

How have I so lost my way and why is it so hard to see clearly from this thicket of brambles?

1 comment:

  1. right there with ya girl.
    we'll fight and ask questions and... wait... and hope, together.